“And if I go, while you’re still here …
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar
Together again,
Both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to the fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
… I will be there.” ~ Emily Dickinson

It has been 1,461 days, 35,064 hours and 2,103,840 seconds since I last heard your voice here on earth. The last time I heard you laugh and the last time I heard you say, “I love you, talk to you in a few days.” It didn’t seem possible to take the next breath, but I realize sitting here today that I am surviving your death. Some days are hard when weakened by sorrow, but remembering you inspires me to face my every day head on and embrace life to the fullest.

Through the last four years I have learned that nobody will protect you from your grief. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it, embrace it, move forward and be better from it. You have to run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal – and that is exactly what I have done.

Joshua has taught me so much about myself. Even though we had a short amount of time together here on earth he is with me everyday. He has taught me how to be a little more patient, how to love a little harder, be a little kinder and appreciate the smaller things in life.

I have learned through the last four years of losing a husband that negativity, stress and people can have a huge impact on how you see life and how you handle certain situations. It has also taught me the kind of person I don’t want to be. Since losing Joshua, he has opened my eyes to fully understand that we really do have an expiration date here on earth and we don’t know when our date is up. While I wish that he could have been here longer with me physically he has taught me to embrace each and every day like it was my last (I know, so cliché) he has taught me how to not allow my widow card define who I am, but help mold me into the kind of woman I want to be. Joshua has some how brought out a side of me that I never knew I had and I know the day he married me he saw it.

We will never fully understand what the big man upstairs has planned, all I know is that he had bigger and better things planned for Joshua and he was needed in heaven sooner than I would have liked. However, I pray every day I have made him proud and that I am doing everything that he knew I was capable of. I want to continue to make a difference and help others as much as I can through our story and I know whenever I have doubt or fear he is right there next to me… smiling, telling me to stop having bubble guts and that I have got this. Joshua has given me the strength to open my heart again and getting second chances at life and love.

This year I will not weep Joshua’s memory, but embrace it and pay it forward to someone today. Joshua would have wanted us to spread kindness and live life to the fullest and that is what I will continue to do.

I ask you to do the same… today, pay it forward on behalf of a hero – cheers a Shinerbock and know we got a badass guardian angel watching over us.

…. Until We Meet Again
Those special memories of you
Will always bring a smile
If only I could have you back
For just a little while
Then we could sit and talk again
Just like we used to do
You always meant to very much
And always will do too
The fact that you’re no longer here
Will always cause me pain
But you’re forever in my heart
Until we meet again.
~ An Eternal Memory ~