“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her.”
~ Luke 1:45

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I haven’t written in my blog in quite some time. I have had so much going on in my life that I haven’t had a single moment to write or even jot down my feelings for the month, week or even day. I got so wrapped up in day-to-day stuff that I have allowed my depression and self-talk to get the better of me. I have allowed none of the positive things people have said to me come through, except hone in on the very few negative things that have been said to me.

Why do we do that? Why do we allow words and the thoughts of other people define who we are and define how we are supposed to live our lives?… Especially after grief. My ultimate favorite line to hear about anyone is, “well, if I lost my husband, you can bet I wouldn’t do what she IS doing” or “how can that woman move on? How would her husband feel?”

I have often pondered this thought… HOW the HELL COULD I MOVE FORWARD? Well, let me put it to you politely, I am human and I do have a beating heart that wants to feel love, life and most of all God. Whether it is riding a horse, finding a second love, or even just finding what the hell makes you happy and alive again is what YOU should be doing for you.

I bring all this up because the last 2 months I have had to take a long look at myself in the mirror and get to know Brittany again. Since we PCS’ed to Fort Drum (Lane and I stayed in South Alabama, since it was told to us that Matthew would be quickly deploying), I have had to re-define, re-word and find out exactly who Brittany is all over again. I feel that I have done this and have written about this over the last 6 years. Hell, I think I have been doing this for the last 30 years. I’m really just a hot mess.

Before I came to Alabama I was working full time, training horses, full time mommy to Lane, and volunteering at every little thing that I could. Packing my daily schedule to the max. I never really had to deal with myself. I was always at the heart of every Gold Star event, talking about Joshua, and helping the Army in any way I could, so they could help families of the fallen better.

I am a wife, widow, mom, trainer and was an employee… Now, my thoughts seem to take over when I don’t have every single minute of every single day planned. I have always allowed all these “titles” define me and help me through my day-to-day routines.

I have written about how I indulged myself into so many things so I could get over my grief, when in reality I haven’t sat and defined who Brittany really is and how 6 years later with a quiet schedule (minus a rambunctious 2 year old) and no military around me I have come to a road block with everything. Let’s be honest, you never really get over grief.

Here we are now. Matthew has not left the states yet, we have been separated due to the military being “amazing” at planning (I hope you hear the sarcasm) and I have been here… trying to fulfill my schedule with things with the horses and Lane. I have come to realize that I can’t fill every minute of my day with things to do or stand at a podium to talk about it. I have no widows here. Now we have entered the holidays and I am now facing my grief in a different way. I am facing the fact that I have to talk to “regular” people without shoving my “widow-hood” in their face. I have to figure out how to talk to adults because all I know right now is, “juice? Did you poop? Help mommy?” and the list goes on. I don’t have Matthew to fill the quiet moments and daily wife duties. I don’t have my widows to talk me out of my darkest thoughts.

In the midst of all amazing things I was involved in, it was a cover up for things I did not want to deal with. The last 2 months I have been actually getting to know myself again. I have had a hard time with it until I opened Rupi Kaur’s “the sun and her flowers” and the first thing I read was this:

“On the last day of love
my heart cracked inside my body.”

It felt like I was reading everything that I have felt and tried to convey to people over the last 6 years. The day Joshua died my heart cracked inside my body and I tried to fulfill every second of everyday because I needed to fill the cracks and seal my heart back up.

The last 2 months I have had to re-feel the cracks that were still there. I have found a second love, I have gotten a second chance at life, brought life into this world, filled a lot of holes and fixed broken pieces. But, for the first time in 6 years I am finally dealing with the guilt of moving forward and fixing pieces I haven’t wanted to deal with.

You should never feel guilty of moving forward, for living life and most of all feeling love again. I have learned the most in the last 2 months than I have in the last 6 years. I have sat back and re-lived memories, happy memories, sad memories, have talked to God more and watched Lane see the world through a child’s eye. I have actually taken a moment to literally cherish the small moments that we may never get back.

I have had an opportunity to “stop and smell the roses” something I haven’t done in 6 years. I am actually feeling light, love, and God run through me. Instead of running in another direction and not dealing with pain that day, I simply sit and deal with it. The pain I felt so many years ago has made me more alive today than I have ever felt. Say it’s a Christmas miracle or maybe for the first time I just stopped hiding behind things that don’t matter and allowed God to lead me to where he wants me to be.

People’s thoughts and words don’t matter. What matters are the moments God gives us… The opportunity to help and heal people through our grief, pain, new found love and life. I thought I have been failing Joshua for so long, when in reality I just needed to stop, listen and understand that guilt fixes nothing. I talk about Joshua because he was a part of me, he is a part of who I am today… I talk about new love because my family (Matthew and the kids) have helped put me back together. I talk about pain, because pain is meant to be felt… it means you’re alive.

It’s almost a new year and a new Brittany is underway… My growth game is strong. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am very excited about 2018 and thanking the big man upstairs for opening my eyes, heart and lifting my writer’s block! I am back!

Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.

“If you love something, love it completely, cherish it,
say it, but most importantly, show it. Life is finite
and fragile, and just because something is there one
day, it might not be the next. Never take that for
granted.

Say what you need to say, then say a little more.
Say too much. Show too much. Love too much.

Everything is temporary but love.
Love outlives us all.”
~R. Queen