“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same” – Carlos Castenada

Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was actually except that Joshua was gone. I had to accept that he would never walk through the doors of our home with a smile on his face and say hello. I had to accept that neither the world nor myself would ever hear his laugh ever again.

The first year of losing Joshua I was a walking Zombie, just going through the emotions and putting on a face that represented strength and grace. I didn’t want people to know what was actually going on – I was completely crumbling on the inside. Every inch and being that I was made of was screaming that I was never going to make this… constantly asking myself, “Can a human heart survive this much ache and pain?” But, I couldn’t let the general public, let alone my family and friends see how much I was hurting. Showing all this emotion would make me look weak.

I put so many emotions to the side. I built this wall so that I could deal with everything and to be honest I was sacred shitless to actually allow myself to feel the war of pain of reality that was getting ready to hit – it paralyzed me with fear.

Then one day about 2 years later, I walked into my therapist’s office and said, “I can’t live like this. I don’t even feel human… I have to feel the pain that I am holding back so I can live the life I want to live. I want to feel the pain so that I can survive.” She looked at me and said, “I knew the minute I met you, you were going to survive this, I knew you had the heart and courage to face this pain and live the life I know you can live. I will warn you, this is going to suck, it’s going to be the worst pain in the world… but, when you come out to the other side you will be strongest you have ever been.”

And so I did. I was heart broken, scared, I had a lot of anxiety, I was worried, I felt weak, and I had no idea how I was ever going to come up with this strength. But, I just closed my eyes, and took a blind leap. I finally allowed myself to feel the pain of losing my husband. One of the most courageous decisions I ever made was to finally let go of what was hurting my heart and soul. Facing the pain straight on allowed me to get all of fear, emotions and pain out of my heart… it allowed me to mend what needed mending so that I could get out of bed, put my feet on the floor and start living life – the kind of courage and strength that would make the devil himself shiver and say, “well shit, I didn’t win this war.”

Strength comes from showing your true emotions and allowing yourself to actually feel. Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional with you are going through one of the hardest moments of your life. It’s a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotion is a sign of strength.

It’s ok to feel, it sucks, it is scary and it is hard. However, when you make it through  those moments… you will be the strongest you have ever been – live the life you have ever wanted to live, fulfill your promises to your loved ones – you are a warrior.

BREATHE. It’s ok. You’re going to be okay.
Just breathe. Breathe, and remind yourself of
all the times in the past you felt this scared.
All of the times you felt this anxious
and this overwhelmed.
All of the times you felt this level of pain.
And remind yourself how each time, you
Made it through. Life has thrown so
much at you, and despite how difficult
things have been, you’ve survived.
Breathe and trust that you can
survive this too.
Trust that this struggle is part of the process.
And trust that as long as you don’t give up
and keep pushing forward, no matter how
hopeless things seem.
You will make it.
~Daniell Koepke