“When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”

~John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

When you lose a loved one (especially a spouse) a part of you becomes so paralyzed and numb that it just dies. People who have never felt this don’t really know how to talk to you, their first comments are usually, “you’ll move on, you’ll find love again” or my favorite “you’re young, you will find someone else again.” While your support and complete trust that I won’t be lonely for the rest of my life is admirable … I still don’t want to hear it.

I know that the people who love and care about you are truly trying to help you, but there comes a moment when you have to put your hands up and tell them that you are really OK and that you are going to figure things out on your own. Even if you’re really not ok you have got to have that room to breathe in order to figure out what the hell it is you want in life. I mean, hello people, our hearts have been ripped out from our chest, give us a damn moment.

My point to this is it never gets easy – it fucking sucks to be honest with you (excuse the language, but it’s true). No one can tell you how you’re going to feel unless they have walked that mile in your shoes. You have to take a moment, step back and actually think about what it is YOU want. You have to start living life, embracing life … because that is what our guardian angels would have wanted if they were physically here on earth with us.

I call this, the epiphany. The moment in your darkest hours when you decided to put both feet on the floor and start living. It is not always going to be with someone else, it can be as simple as putting on your favorite pair of heels and going to a coffee shop and enjoying the moment with a cup of coffee… it could be that moment when you’re in a barn breathing in a 1200lbs animal and finally letting your wall down… There is never a right or wrong when you chose to start living, the best part about all this is you didn’t give up and you just started living and you should be proud of yourself.

For those people who don’t understand why you haven’t brought “someone else” in your life… screw them. I am proud of you for taking that next step and just breathing and living because that is what is important. You can’t bring someone else in your life and love them if you don’t know who you are, what you want and most important that you love yourself.

Remember there is no time limit to healing… time does heal, but there is no exact time and remember you are a beautiful soul who moves at their own pace and no one else (no matter how much they care about you) can tell you when your time should be.

In the mean time while you’re mending … remember these things:

• “Time Heals
• Mountain winds sound exactly like ocean waves.
• You are worth everything now.
• Walls can be destroyed.
• The sun always rises (and is always beautiful).
• Children know the answers.
• There is music in everything.
• Logic doesn’t produce magic.
• Somewhere somebody loves you.
• You don’t need to choose mediocre when fire exists.
• The moon orchestrates our nights and tides.
• Trees can grow through rock.
• Your heart expands when it’s broken.
• You should do it now.”~ Victoria Erickson~

Even though I have found my second chance in life with love, I have had to take those moments from dear loved ones…step back and just live life and yes, breathe into a 1200lbs animal to figure out what I want in life. You have to have patience, faith and firm belief in who you are, because even if you’re a widow… believe it or not, you’re still a human being and a human being who deserves a second chance at life.

Now, go and live your life you beautiful souls and never give up! I know your guardian angel is smiling down on you and is proud of you (like I am).

Love,
B

(Me and JazzApple – One thing that keeps me centered)