The Carousel
“All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.”
I have been away from writing for sometime now, trying to figure out the whole new mom, wife and just life from day to day. While I am no Jane Austen, writing has been my outlet to release the toxins and depression that sometimes clouds my mind and heart.
Grief has an incredible and contaminating affect on the heart and soul. Going through a range of life altering situations, I have come to have a really weird relationship with grief… one of appreciation and one of hatred. When giving love a second chance I grew to appreciate grief in the understanding of what it’s like to lose everything in one moment. How you should appreciate every single moment with the one you love. How you could live happily one moment and then get the knock on your door that your future you had planned is gone.
Then along came my son, Lane. For one year I battled a darker demon of post-partum depression and feared I was going to lose to the demons that danced in my head holding signs of failure, regret and most of all guilt. I have dealt with all kinds of depression, but this one was the scariest and darkest places I ever visited. I was so upset that I was living the reality of living my life and I was destroying the memory of Joshua or it looked as if I didn’t care anymore. My fear that Joshua’s friends and family would be so upset with me that I didn’t know which way to turn.
After my boxing match with grief and depression for the thousandth time, feeling as if I was back to “normal” and living life to the fullest, my life came crashing around me once again on March 6th, 2017. My best friend, my confidant, and the woman that I talked to every single morning… my grandmother passed away. This is the first person that I loved so very much that I have lost since Joshua. And once again, I am in this toxic vortex of grief. While this is not the same grief as losing a spouse… it’s still grief and it hurts.
Going through the stages of anger, happiness, sadness and then right back around to square one… something incredible happened. I took my son to visit the carousel that my grandmother took me to since I was five (that was when it first opened). I remember her and I running to the mermaid horse (pictured next to Lane and me) and giggling at who got it first and hoping we would stop at the gold ring so we could win a free ride… As I stood on the wooden floor holding my son as it went around, I felt her there… I felt her telling me everything was ok and that she was right there with me. I went through years of grief with Joshua praying for a visit and an OK (which happened in 2014). Maybe it’s a widow thing, maybe it’s a grief thing, but you want that confirmation that they are where they’re supposed to be and that they’re ok.
Through all this, I have learned that everyone handles grief differently and that not all grief is the same, nor is one worse than the other. As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp. But, grief will last as long as love does – forever. It’s simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede, once again. It’s all an ebb and glow, a constant dance of sorrow, joy, pain and sweet love.
I will live life to the fullest in my grandmother’s and Joshua’s memory… I will cherish every moment with my family, as we are never promised tomorrow just the moments of the now.
For the first time in a really, really, really long time my heart is at peace. God has helped me through the darkest moments of my life and has lead me to moments that fill my heart and soul with love and happiness and lots and lots of memories.
“God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation to your life.” ~ Romans 8:28
Cowgirl Grit 