Find out who you are and do it on purpose.

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When Joshua died, my world stopped. I became a shell of a being walking the planet, just surviving and making really bad choices, which I thought at the time were normal and absolutely acceptable (they weren’t, just to be clear). I embraced the word “widow” and made that my identity… That is not my identity anymore. I am not just a widow. I am a friend, a fiancé, a mom, a cowgirl, an entrepreneur, and a daughter of God; I am a woman… I am a human who has embraced all names and combined them to understand who I am and what I am made of. One word does not define who I am. Grief does not define who I am. Suicide, mistakes, and bad choices do not define who I am.

Every year, for the last 13 years, I have found a new me, a growth, a change, an observation that I can be the most horrible human being on the planet, to being a doormat for those to wipe their feet on. Whatever the year brought, whatever happiness, heartache, the realization that I am surprised I still have friends after the way I have treated them… has brought me to this moment, to this time, and to an awakening of the making of what I thought was impossible dreams, come true.

I have been called names and told I have been a disgrace to Joshua for having a child, for allowing myself to give love another shot, and just for living. I have been told, ‘You’re too young to sit around and grieve.’ I have been told how to grieve; I have lost friends and gained friends who turned into family. I have attempted to end my life, fought depression, had a mental breakdown, overcome health issues, and the list continues. My point is that it has brought me to this moment—a time of realization that I didn’t give up. God Didn’t give up on me.  

I have had this passion: if I could make it out of the darkness, others could. Most of you know that horses (especially the big buckskin named Moe) have saved my heart and soul in more ways than one, and I have wanted to share that feeling, that freedom, and that healing with other people.

This week, I will finally be getting certified in EAGALA (Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and Training), which allows me to utilize horses for mental health therapy! I have also landed my dream internship at an incredible place that works with horses and Veterans (which hopefully turns into a career there!).

Several people throughout my journey have told me that I would never make it. I will never be good enough but look at me now. I have tried to be a better person, forgive myself for all the bad I have done, and put all the good juju in the universe with the blood, sweat, and tears, the dream of helping and healing people with trauma, PTSD, grief, and addiction with horses is coming true. It is going to be the most beautiful new beginning and journey.

I have such a massive support group behind me, cheering me on, picking me up when I doubt myself, and constantly being my rock when I can’t stand on my own. I have almost hit burnout with school, life, and adult responsibilities, possibly because I have two heeler puppies (I don’t recommend getting two at once). Even though I have felt overwhelmed, I was working with Moe-man and an incredible woman who needed a moment of connection with this lively Hancock, and he delivered just that. It was the most beautiful and emotional experience, a moment that felt like God was telling me I was on the right path and that I would make extraordinary things happen.

The dust may have settled, but I sure as hell didn’t. I have saddled up, and I am gonna ride hard and ride dirty. It’s time to make beautiful things happen.

Carpe the hell out of diem you beautiful souls.

Love,
B