2019
“We fall. We break. We fail. But then, we rise. We heal. We overcome.”
2019 came with vengeance. I dealt with so many highs and lows that I honestly can’t tell you a starting point. 2019 came, conquered and kicked my ass.
Depression hit me straight in the face, to the point where my mind and self were unrecognizable. I drifted from things I loved, the people I loved and most importantly, I drifted from God. I had allowed the devil to take over my heart and mind.
It is so easy to be in those moments and blame everything going wrong in your life at everyone else, instead of cowgirling up and taking responsibility for your actions (and thoughts). I chose to keep everything hidden, I chose to not let it out – I literally felt like I was naked in a room of 500 people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one batting an eye. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me daily and no matter what, everything was going wrong. I was failing.
You know the feeling. The one where one thing happens and then it just seems that everything continues to get worse. Once you’re in that mindset the devil rejoices, and your thoughts only get darker… mine sure did.
I reached out, I cried, I yelled (a lot) I was just angry.
Funny thing though, I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was mad about (HUGE thank you to those who listened – you know who you are).
I focused on all the negative energy around me (which is uber easy when you’re already there) … I could give you a list as long as my arm on what I was mad about and only come to realize I was being a little bit of a Petty Betty. I had allowed myself to wallow a little too long (time to get my shit together moment).
I started writing again (just in my personal journal), doing my gratitude journal, taking the time to look at all the amazing people and things I have in my life. Remembering how easy it is to take life for granted, when everything can be taken away in a moment.
I was making all the strides to become healthier in the mind, body & Spirit. I didn’t have my horse or sunshine, but I had God, family, friends and LIFE!
I began to realize that you can do all the right things, but things will still go wrong – I just couldn’t stop doing what was right and what I loved doing. It was taking a toll on my relationships, my parenting and just overall my self image. I had to get out of my own head. Time to suck it up buttercup.
Things were making a turnaround, we were heading back to the south (woo whoo!!), I was finding peace in myself, life was just starting to make sense again… Then Cooper Hero got sick.
Cooper had been sick a majority of the year, but every vet I went to – NOT one could give me answers (IBS, anxiety, etc.). He would get better and then get worse, get better and then get worse. It was a nightmare. I just needed my battle buddy to get better, in my mind we had several more years ahead of us.
Fast forward to ending the year with excitement of being near home, holidays, family, friends and my horse – Cooper Hero took a turn for the worse… Come to find out, he had a bacterial infection (Giardia) – which can be fatal to dogs if left untreated.
I had the most amazing vet in Bay Minette (along with support from Matthew, family & friends) that did everything he could to make Cooper Hero better, but in the end the bacteria just did way too much to his poor body. I had to make the hardest decision of my life to not be selfish and let my battle lay to rest. No more pain.
I sat there; my face buried in his fur as he took his last breaths… telling him what a hero he really was. He saved me when I couldn’t be saved. When Cooper took his last and final breath my heart shredded into a million pieces. I adopted Cooper during my darkest days to saying, ‘good-bye’ when my days were beginning to be the brightest.
It’s true, having a dog will bless you with the happiest days of your life, and one of the worst days… Cooper Hero will forever be missed.
2019 ended with joy, laughter and heartbreak. With reflections of 2019 – I have no New Year’s resolutions – but, starting a new year (even in February) with one word.
STRENGTH
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
I will do just that.
Strength to not let anyone hold me back.
Strength to be the best version of myself.
Strength to tell people, “no.”
Strength to stop letting people making me feel guilty because my happiness and rawness makes them uncomfortable and miserable.
Remember YOU are strong, you are amazing and this is going to be the best year yet. There is always hope and you’re never alone.
There is nothing more beautiful than when you prove to yourself just how strong you really are.
Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.
Cowgirl Grit 