~*~

This past week I went to Las Vegas for work… went to the same, exact hotel I met Joshua in. Before going, I thought to myself “I got this” I am “Superwoman” and I can handle all of my emotions and the “situation.” Boy, was I wrong, walking into the foyer of where Joshua ran back into the hotel to kiss me and tell me, “there is just something different about you and I am in trouble…” he giggled, pulled me in close and said, “don’t worry I’ll be seeing you soon.” As I walked into the foyer of the hotel, I swear I could smell him, I swear I heard him laugh in the wind as the doors slide open to a whole new world of emotions and memories. I thought I was having a heart attack, my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t feel it, my head was dizzy and everything around me was spinning as fast as it could. When everything came clear, I know I saw him and he was smiling his big smile telling me, “it’s ok sweetheart… we’re going to do this together, I haven’t seen you in sometime.”

I know some of you are going to think I am crazy, but in x amount of months Joshua has been gone, I haven’t been able to dream of my sweet husband or feel his presence and this, was the biggest blessing this widow has ever felt. I walked to my room and cried, I cried so hard I am pretty certain the angels in heaven heard me themselves. Everything looked the same, it was like time stood in the very same spot for me to walk in and remember everything. Instead of going to bed, I decided that I would walk my entire path of memories. It is strange what the body does when it remembers the best moments of your life… I  started where I first found him at 6:00am on Saturday morning, in a three-piece suit still up from the night before… me, hungry looking dorky as hell with a walkie-talkie, phone, notebooks and whatever else in my hands to get golfers out that morning. I could hear him walk up to me saying, “Hi I’m Joshua…” and me looking at him saying, “that’s great I am working.” I stood there looking like a crazy woman thinking of the conversation that we were having, and me finally getting him to be quiet and have breakfast with me.

I walked to the Grand Luxe cafe and asked to sit where we sat and I ordered a fresh squeezed orange juice, it tasted just like it did when I was sitting with him and talking for 3 hours. I walked to the counter where he purchased 2 Blue Man Group tickets and made me swear that I would go to the show and that I would meet him promptly at 9:30am. His eyes dancing at me, and me not really knowing what the hell I was doing, the only thing I knew, was that it felt right. I remember sitting in the concert hall being so nervous and thinking, “what the hell is this fine man doing with me? is he having a good time?” and anything else I could run through my brain. I walked to the area where we met the rest of his friends and I sat down where I leaned in to tell him something and he gave me my first kiss — the kind of kiss that stops the world and you are the only 2 people in existence, the kind of kiss that takes your breath away you know that at that moment… you met your soul mate.

I ran through my head all the conversations we had in such a small amount of time. I went back to room and pulled out my Jimmy Choos… I had them sitting out the night Joshua and I hung out and he asked me about them and never let me live down my love of shoes. I put them on my feet and felt his arms around me and his laugh against my neck… finally I had one moment, a moment I actually got to have my husband back. Throughout my reminiscing and working in Vegas I decided that to keep the tradition of my love of shoes and his laughter, I boldly went to the Christian Louboutin store and found some high heels that I immediately fell in love with and fit me like a dream… As I stood there looking in the mirror, I had tears running down my face, because I could see Joshua standing next to me, looking at me and telling me, “sweet heart, you made it through this, I was right here every step of the way… get them, so I can laugh at you for your love of shoes… Just remember, I love you.”

I put the shoes back in their box and proudly bought my first pair of Christian Louboutin’s. I will never forget the feeling of Joshua being around me and actually getting to hear his voice and feel his arms.

My dearest Joshua, thank you for letting me hear that laugh one more time, thank you for letting me see you one more time… you are as handsome as ever. Forever my heart, Forever my hero.

All my love,
A Widow & Her Shoes