Cowgirl Grit

It has been 8 months since my love/hero was taken from me — 8 months of my world being turned inside out and upside down (and possibly backwards) — 8 months of me not knowing who the hell I am, do I get out of bed today? Do I not get out of bed today? What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to do without Joshua by my side, holding my hand, building a life together? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Through these 8 months I have experienced so many different things… Anger, laughter, happiness, confusion and any other additional emotion you can put in there. There where and sometimes still, times where I feel like I need to be in a padded room and in a straight jacket because I feel like I can’t get my thoughts together. I have also experienced a different kind of loss… loss of friends, some family and just people who thought they wanted to be in my life. Losing Joshua has brought so many different perspectives of life to me, that I don’t even know where to begin. Through experiencing loss of family, friends and just the loss of Joshua — I have also gained so many different blessings that have entered into my life: new friends, amazing widows, the American Widow Project, horses, the whole nine yards of amazing people, animals and events. Even though I have had these amazing things happen to me… I just didn’t realize it and I was still walking around in a fog, attempting to figure everything out: do I continue living or do I stop? I know what Joshua would have wanted me to do, but what the hell is going to get this ache to stop in my chest?

After much contemplation and denial that my husband was not going to come home to my arms — 2 life altering things happened to me:

1. I ended up looking at the autopsy pictures by myself, in my home. As I sat there and looked at each picture, taking it in slowly — it wasn’t until that very moment I accepted the fact that he is gone. Joshua is not coming home and I am going to have to stop having this romantic idea that sometime in the near future (like in Pearl Harbor) I am going to wake up to my soldier walking up to my door step. It’s just not going to happen. As I looked at the pictures, I just sat there and prayed, prayed that this was going to be my final attempt to accepting that my beloved husband is not going to come home and that he truly is gone (physically). As I prayed, I looked up and there was an overwhelming sense of peace that came over me… Joshua had his wedding ring on. I can’t explain why this brought so much peace to me, but it did… Knowing that he was wearing it and was wearing it as proudly as he was wearing his uniform brought so much to me… that I just sat and cried and thanked God for the simple piece of reminder that Joshua was my soul mate, my love, my beloved husband and that he is in a better place — and for some reason our time was short, but he taught me so much at the same time… who I am? and what it’s like to be loved so hard by someone else. Joshua will forever be a part of me, it’s not always going to be easy… but, knowing that he is watching over me does more for me than anything and knowing he was (and still is) proud to be my husband.

2. I fell off my horse. In the days leading up to me looking at the autopsy pictures, I was having a “woe is me” pity party for myself and even though at the time I was dealing with our 1 year wedding anniversary, the date Joshua deployed, the memory of being in the airport seeing my soldier cry and him promising that he would do everything in his power to make sure that he came home to me… the memory of the look in his eyes as he kissed me passionately and telling me that he would love me forever. I had all of these things going through my head, and sort of giving up on my life when all of a sudden… I fell off my horse.

I mean face first, knocked me out for a few seconds, busted knee and shoulder fall… that’s when I stood up and never in my life have been so mad at myself — and the first thing I said was, “Damn you Joshua…” — because at that moment I knew that he was pushing me to realize I need to get over myself and start living life the way he would have wanted me to. That I needed to stop blaming everything and everyone because things are not going the way that I wanted them to go — basically I needed to suck it up, get back on the horse and start living.

At that very moment, I stood up, brushed myself off — looked at my trainer and said, “I am getting back on this damn horse and I am going to do my figure again — and this time, I wont fall off.” And I did just that, I got back on, conquered my fear of not living anymore and had the best ride I could have asked for.

As I laid in bed icing my knees and shoulder I realized a lot about me and life… I am a hell of a lot more determined and stronger than I thought… and, I am going to have continue to move forward… the pain is never going to go away and there are moments where I am going to fall (like off the horse) and it’s going to hurt like hell, but I need to stand up, brush myself off and get back on the damn horse! I want to live life, experience life and do things that would make Joshua puff his chest out, smile as big as he can and be proud that his wife is honoring him.

I still have tons to learn and figure out about myself, but I am slowly getting to know who I am and what it is I am supposed to be doing. This widow is getting back on the horse and moving forward.

Love,
B