Cowgirl Grit

It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward. – Proverb

Accepting the word “widow” has brought acceptance, denial, strength, weakness, love, hate and so many other aspects of how to live my life into perspective. I remember sitting at the Fisher House in Dover and having to sign paperwork when I had to check what “status” I wanted to have on my legal paperwork:

– Married
– Single
– Widow

I remember looking up at my CAO (Casuality Assistance Officer) and saying, I just checked that I was married… it’s been four months and now I am a widow? I am a 27-year-old widow… Why? Why did this happen to me? Who have I pissed off upstairs to make this happen? Have I been that bad of person to have my life ripped right out from underneath me? I am a widow. I can remember the days (and still some now) where I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking to myself — is this really happening? Is this who I am, a war widow?… Who am I now? Am I still Joshua’s wife or am I his widow? Just who the hell am I now and what am I supposed to do?

I had so many questions about myself, life and just my status as a newly wed in general – even, how am I supposed to introduce myself now? “Hi. my name is Brittany Lawrence, I am a widow…” No, that can’t seem right. This just can’t be happening to me.

Accepting the word widow, has made me accept a part of who I am and a part of my life that I am willing to share with other people. A PROUD military widow is who I am, and one of which that has decided to conquer life and make her husband proud. A widow is not just what I am, it has defined a part of me that has brought out strength that I never knew I had or even could manage. Accepting the word widow has allowed me to learn to accept the bigger things in life and worry less about the small things that won’t make a difference in five minutes.

Accepting that I am a widow has even brought a sense of humor out of me that I never knew I had — telling people I am a widow gets numerous reactions: people want to hug you, cry for you, step away from you like you are some sort of contagious disease …it’s kind of turned into a “game” — I try to write down the different ways people react and compare them to age, gender, etc. Sometimes the reactions are just plain odd. I find ways to lighten the mood when someone ask what a gold star means or what the tattoo on my wrist means… I am not ashamed to tell them my husband was killed doing exactly what it was he wanted to be doing. I am proud of who he is and what he and so many other soldiers stood for. I sometimes just want to smack someone and say, “look – I am a proud military widow… I am a living, breathing human being that is just trying to find her way through life. I am a widow… I am not dead.”

I guess you can say, that through all of this… accepting that I am widow has pushed me outside of my comfort zones and made me start living. I don’t want to turn into some 80-year-old woman who has 100 different cats to keep me company. There is a whole world out there ready to be discovered and it’s time for me to put my wings on and leap. Start living, tell my story and be the brave, courageous woman Joshua married.

Next time you meet a widow… tell her thank you for being brave, thank you for her (or his) sacrifice they made so we can walk and talk and do as we please today. We are widows… not dead.

Love,
B