Cowgirl Grit

Feelings are real and legitimate. ~ Unknown

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Since Joshua has passed I have had numerous (and have I mentioned some humorous) reactions from people when I tell them I am a Widow… but, the one thing that has baffled me through everything is some of the things that people have said to me during my grieving process! Some are heartfelt, some are generous and well written I am thinking of you and then, there are those special people who say some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my entire life! Now, to my fellow Widows out there, I am sure you have experienced some (if not all) these kind of comments:

• “It was his time” – really? That is exactly what I want to hear… thank you so much! I appreciate that. God does have bigger and better plans for everyone and some people (in this case Joshua) have to go sooner than we plan. Do we like this? Hell no, we want our loved ones sitting right next to us! We want to be the wives at the welcome home ceremonies with the over zealous signs that are made of bedazzled jewels and puffy paint — we want to be the Army wife that gets to kiss those sweet lips after 12 very long months. Do we understand that God has something bigger planned for our heroes? Absolutely! Doesn’t mean we really want to hear it — word to the wise, it doesn’t’ make the situation or the “awkwardness” any better.
• “It’s God’s Plan” or “Everything happens for a reason” – I am sorry for saying this… but, at the moment of when you are told your hero, your husband, your world has been taken from you — screw God and everyone else’s plan! I want him home now. I do believe God would not give me more than I could handle… I have a relationship with God, but that moment when your heart is ripped out of your chest you don’t want to hear, “everything happens for a reason” – you just want the nightmare to end and to wake up to a normal life.
• “I know how you feel” or, “I understand what you are going through…” – this statement deserves that person a straight punch to the throat. I apologize, but losing another family member is not like losing your spouse, it’s not even like losing a child. Everyone goes through grief in their own way and unfortunately it’s not about YOU at that moment. You don’t know what it’s like to have been a waiting military wife, standing proud and waiting patiently and faithfully by a phone or computer to know he is ok! You don’t know what it’s like to have the uniforms standing on your porch with a look that crushes and tears you into a million pieces, a look that at that moment you are pretty certain you need to be handcuffed and in a straight jacket. You don’t know and you can’t compare… just be there. Sometimes the presence of someone just holding your hand does a million things of comfort than any words could ever do.
• “You’re a widow?” or “You’re too young to be a widow” or “Are you really a widow?” – These are some of my favorites. But, yes, I am a widow, yes I am 27 and no… I did not sign a contact as a career, but thank you.
• “Thank goodness you didn’t have kids”– wow, really? Do you have any idea that I wanted to give my husband the world? Did you stop and think that I prayed I was pregnant, because it was the last thing of his body that I would have— regardless if it was a daily reminder… oh, wait – it all happens for a reason right? thank you! I appreciate that.
• “Don’t worry, you’ll get married again and move on” – Why thank you for this, all my troubles are solved everything is clear now. No, what you don’t understand is I want the man I gave my heart to. The man who I promised my soul to. I want the man I fell so desperately in love with, back in my arms and wake up every morning to him. I don’t want a “replacement” I don’t want to just “settle” because everyone else thinks that it is odd that I am a 27-year-old widow who hasn’t thought about re-marring. I want my husband and there is no reason you should try to understand… because, unless you have lost your best friend and soul mate… you won’t understand.

I know some of these statements seem so simple and have probably no intention of hurting the person you are talking to. But, when someone is in grief, they really don’t want to know how you feel, that everything happens for a reason and that life does move on. NO, we want to sit there and just want a friend, a family member or whoever is willing to sit there, not say a word and just hold us… tell us that in some strange and heartbreaking way it will be ok. But, at this very given moment you are here no matter what. You don’t have to say a word, and really you don’t have to understand.

I have found that most of the people that don’t understand tend to make it about them, so they can understand and try to help. Well, you can’t understand and you won’t unless it happens to you. Don’t say anything… just a hug and a smile will suffice. I think some of the best moments I have had are when my girlfriends have showed up with a bottle of wine and a season of TrueBlood — and all we did was be silly and talk about their issues and problems, it is nice to get out of my head once in a while and know that other people do have issues and need to have someone to talk to.

I do have to say this tragic and horrific event in my life has brought the most amazing, inspirational and unbelievable people into my life. For those of you who I never knew, but knew Joshua and shared your stories with me to building a relationship with me… and to those people from my past and who have stood there no matter what thank you. Thank you for not trying to understand, but just being this widow’s strength and backbone. If it wasn’t for the people (and of course Cooper Hero) I wouldn’t be where I am today. But, for those of you reading this and have never had to deal with someone who has lost someone so close to them — think for a minute. You have no idea how they feel, you pray you never feel pain like that and that you just sit there and be ready to hold on to that person when they are crumbling and have fallen to their lowest.

This post is dedicated the many amazing and strong widows I have met and have built life long relationships with… even though we have all suffered our biggest loss… I have gained a bigger heart because of you. Seeing you all live and breathe and put one foot in front of the other helps me do the same thing. HOOAH to my loves.

Love,
A widow and her shoes ❤