Cowgirl Grit

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

As I sit here pondering on where to start to put the words together to explain the overwhelming amount of emotions and flash backs I am having at this very moment… how my heart is tripling in speed as I sit here and look at the door, I can hear the doorbell all over again… how I can see the slow motion of me opening the door to the solemn faces of the two officers in dress blues to tell me the news you are gone. How do I eloquently and literally explain what it feels like to not have you here on earth for 3 years.

Let me start with this. It has been exactly 3 years, 156 weeks, and 1,098 days since I have heard your voice. It has been 26,352 hours, 1,581,120 minutes and 94,867,200 seconds since the world has heard your contagious laugh.

It has been a long road of darkness, sadness and endless miles of anger. I could write about the pain and the moments where I gave up hope as I was being told that my beloved husband was killed in a war zone. There are so many things I could write, but this is what I want to write:

Thank you for entering my life. Thank you for showing me that someone like me could be loved and that there was something in me you knew was going to change the world. Thank you for choosing me as your wife and letting me proudly have your last name. Thank you for showing me that there is so much to life and that every moment, every minute, every breath we take could be our last and never to take if for granted. Thank you for giving me a purpose.

How I wish we could have had more time here on earth together, but God had bigger plans for you. He needed you in heaven more than all of us needed you here on earth. Thank you for continually being my guardian angel… there are moments when I can feel you and know you are right there next to me pushing me to make the right decisions or helping me make the ones I am scared to death to make. Thank you for being that hidden strength I can feel that helps me continually live life-like we talked about.

We never know why life throws us these curve balls and decides to change the course we were on… but, I do know if I could do anything, anything at this moment – I would let the world hear your laugh one more time. There are moments in complete silence I can still hear it. Moments when I am just having life doubts… I hear you and your laugh.

I hope I am making you proud as you watch over me. I hope you know I try to honor your memory every way possible. I am living the life you told me you wanted me to live. I know you are the reason to all my second chances … I don’t know where I would be at this moment if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for giving me life.

You are a hero to so many and most of all to me. You gave the ultimate sacrifice like so many other men and women have done for our country and I will forever be grateful for everything you have done for me. I miss you … I look up at the stars and look for yours and always know it’s you, because you’re the brightest one shining so I can find you. You are always there. Fly high Joshua and continue to watch over me, your family and your brother and sisters in arms. I will be cheersing Shinerbock and taking shots of Jack for you… I know you will be cheersing the other heroes sitting on clouds watching over us.

 “Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about his religion.
Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and of service to your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, or even a stranger, if in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.
When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength.
Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.
Abuse no one and no thing, for ague turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.
When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.” ~Act of Valor