Cowgirl Grit

He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. ~Alexandre Dumas~

There comes a point in life when you realize nothing will ever be the same, and you realize that from now on, time will be divided in two parts – before this and after this. There is also a moment when you realize that you have a choice to be happy. It’s not always easy and to be honest it is scary as hell, but there is that moment when you have to say to yourself – “do I stay living in the past with all the bitterness and anger? Or do I decide to put one foot forward and live in the present, embrace what life has taught me and what my loved one would want me to do?”

Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache. It doesn’t magically go away, even when you stop officially mourning. But, when you finally start feeling human again and when you are ready to live in the “after this” – you have a choice. I decided to put that one-foot forward and start living in the present and embrace life. You only have one life right? And you made that promise that you wouldn’t stop living.

However, in the midst of the grief, heartache, figuring out the “new normal” and who you are… there is the guilt of being happy. I have struggled so many times with this, I could be in the happiest moment of my life and then all of a sudden this black cloud of guilt comes over my head and has me second-guessing everything I am doing and I am guilty for being happy. Why is that? Why do we make ourselves go back to dark places after we worked so hard to find our happy place after going through one the hardest moments of our life?

Joshua and I talked about this while he was deployed. He made me promise if anything every happened to him that I would continue living life and remember that he would always be watching over me and that he would be proud of anything I chose to do as long as it made me happy and the world could see me smiling. I have to sit back and remind myself that this is what he wanted me to do. It is not always easy, and maybe the guilt never goes away because you wish those people you loved so much could see you happy and most of all living.

Maybe we go back to these dark places because it is a comfort zone for us. We already lost our world once and if we allowed all these good things to happen and we are happy it could happen all over again. But, what kind of life is that? Something that I have really been working on since the start of a New Year, understanding that I am worthy of a happy life again and I am worthy of love again. I don’t have the kind of soul that can be kept in the dark I enjoy the sun on my face, I enjoy happy moments and most of all I have learned life is nothing but moments you have to embrace because with in the blink of an eye it can all be over with. Why waste those amazing moments with “what ifs” and not fully living in the moment? You will miss so much.

I have chosen to give guilt the finger and that I will no longer feel guilty for being happy – with the understanding that is normal to have those thoughts cross my mind every now and then. I don’t live by the “what if” moments anymore – I live to live and be thankful the big man upstairs gave me another day to love my fiancé, family and friends another day.

I live by a new motto for Joshua:

“When I have a good moment, smile or laugh. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss and love you everyday. I am beginning to heal and learning to honor you with joy.”  It is funny when I say this, I can hear him telling me to say this with a big grin on his face.

I live to honor him with my joy and not allow guilt to take me back to a dark place because he cannot be here. I am not fulfilling his promise by holding myself back and not living life to the fullest.

Today is the day I choose to be completely and irrevocably happy because I am a survivor and I have to much to offer this world to allow guilt to hold me back in my happiest moments. Hello life, lets do this… I am finally ready. Dear Joshua, hold my hand during this … it scares the shit out of me.

Go and Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls