Cowgirl Grit

“Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again.” ~ H. Steiner Rice

A couple of weeks ago I did something I haven’t done since Joshua. I went to my first soldier memorial. A friend’s battle buddy was killed in a motorcycle accident. The man was a father, a husband, a son and a Soldier. My friend is crying and telling me that she needed my strength to sit next to her, hold her hand as they honor their friend. She just could not do this without me next to her.

I prayed for many hours to give me the strength to get through this. I was not completely confident in myself that I was going to be able to make it through everything. How could I sit through something that is going to bring every single heartbreak, emotion and feeling back? Was I really strong enough for this? What if I fail my friend?

I got up that Friday morning, put on my Sunday best and drove myself to the church, the whole time praying, “God please grant me the strength to get through this.” I walked up to the church hearing every heartbeat with every step I take as I walk into the sanctuary with a sea of dress blues and sadness. I sit with my friend in the middle, right in front of the Soldiers Cross and then… I see her.

I see her, clinching to her children, back straight to show the strength she is trying to give her children without letting the whole room know she is breaking inside. I sat in the middle and stared at the woman on the front row.

I watched the woman on the front row go through the excruciating pain of role call, the 21-gun salute and then finally Taps. There were flashbacks as I heard the quivering of the voice trying to call the final soldier knowing there would be no response. I felt the same pain as every shot was fired and then the Taps just broke my heart into a million pieces.

I stood there feeling all this over again and watched the woman on the front row break and the whole time thinking, “I had to be strong for her”… because someone was strong for me at that very same moment almost four years ago. Her life has just crumbled and I wanted to run to her and tell her how strong she really was and that it was going to suck but everything in the end was going to be ok.

I am not sure if the woman on the front row will ever read this, but if she does I want her to know:

You gave me strength seeing you guard your children as your heart was breaking into a million pieces. I want you to know after the pain has healed, and the storm has passed, you will be stronger than you were before. But, even more than that, you’ll have a sensitivity and understanding towards others that wasn’t there before. You will have a greater satisfaction for the little things in life and with every breath you take, you will be so thankful the big man upstairs brought your husband into your life, even if it was for a short time. Everything has a purpose and a reason and you need to remember that you are stronger than you think and at some point everything will be ok. Unfortunately there are many of us that have walked the journey you are embarking on and on your darkest days remember you’re not alone. There was a reason I needed to see you today; to remind me that through all the pain, struggle and darkness I entered there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Grief is a life long process, the pain semi fades and then (like for me that day) it hits you square in the face and you feel everything twice as hard. My heart will always be with you and your children. If we never cross paths, know a fellow widow was behind you feeling every-single-heartache you were feeling trying to give you the strength you needed and I was honored to be there to watch them so beautifully remember your husband.

• B

I never thought I would be able to sit through anything like that again. I won’t lie, it set me back a little and I had to fight through certain emotions and fear that one day I could go through something like that again, but I can’t think like that can I?

There is a reason for everything and I pray every day if anyone ever walks in a widow’s shoes that they know they are never alone. I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.

Go & Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.

xo,
B