Cowgirl Grit

“A lot of widows feel that they have betrayed their spouse by continuing to live. It’s deranged thinking. I know that, but that doesn’t stop you feeling It.” ~ Joyce Carol Oates

I stepped away from writing because I felt I wasn’t doing myself justice. I was afraid of what people would think or feel because I was a widow… a widow who chose to take a leap of faith and give love a second chance. I was afraid of being judged not only because I was with another man, but I also had a child with another man. My worst fear happened a couple of weeks ago when I received a message from a woman who told me that I was a disgrace to the Lawrence name and that I basically needed to get bent and move on with life and forget anything and everything about Joshua.

Now, I am tougher than woodpecker lips, but I will be honest, this hurt… it cut in a way that I can never describe. Who was this woman? Why in the world after almost five years later did she feel it necessary to make me feel like I was a complete and utter failure to my husband and that I was doing everything but honoring him?

I sat back and almost let some wretched woman’s words destroy everything I have worked for… I almost allowed her to destroy the fact that I write, speak and everything I do is to honor my hero and in hopes it helps those who have lost a loved one to give them hope, to help those who are going through a dark time to give them faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

She brought all my fears to a reality. But, here I am… standing with my head held high and stronger than ever. For those of you who never lost someone you loved, someone that you planned your whole future with… You have no idea what that person is going through. The guilt they feel for allowing themselves just to start living again can be unbearable at moments.

One of the toughest moments that I have had to deal with after losing Joshua was being open about being engaged and falling in love again. Being in love and having someone as supportive as Matthew has been one of the brightest & happiest moments in my life. I have had so much love and support that my heart has been overwhelmed. I have been able to use my second chance at love to give others hope that there is happiness again and that the big man upstairs knows exactly what he is doing.

Even though giving love a second chance was tough, the hardest moment during my widow journey was being pregnant for the first time … being pregnant and having a child that was not Joshua’s. I have never spoken about why Joshua & I didn’t have children, mainly because I couldn’t get pregnant fast enough before Joshua deployed. This is something that has eaten at my very soul since the day my doorbell rang. I have no legacy to raise, I just have me and the only thing I could and can do is to do everything in my power to live life and honor him the best way I can, which I feel like I have.

On November 17, 2015 at 5:45am, Lane Justus Phillips was born… and I will be honest, the guilt of being a widow, bringing life into this world, the stress of a newborn and more spiraled me into a state of postpartum depression that even the darkest of dark thoughts could not give you insight on what I was going through.

I had immense amounts of guilt. How could I deserve a second chance at life? How could I deserve to bring something into this world that Joshua wanted more than words could ever describe? I didn’t know what to do… I didn’t want to write in fears of what people would think of me bringing new life into this world that was not Joshua’s… fear of how I could be everything this tiny human needed…. And most of all, every widow’s nightmare… what if all this was taken from me again?

I am not ashamed. I got help and by the grace of God Matthew has been by my side every step of the way. After I started to come out of my depression I started relishing in motherhood and in complete awe that this tiny human came from me… God created this perfect human inside of me. Then, there was this moment … a moment every widow wants and hopes for… I felt Joshua, I felt him tell me how proud he was of me. The moment where I really didn’t care what people thought… people who cared about me would be there and those who didn’t care, well, there’s the door. I felt Joshua and everything at that very moment was ok.

From day one of finding out I was pregnant until this very moment I have been afraid of living, relishing life because of what people would think. Right now, I sit here and have never been more proud. With death, life is born. I brought life into this world and I intend to teach my son the compassion Joshua had for life and his soldiers, I intend to teach him how to be loving, supportive and strong like his daddy and I… I will continue to live, grow and honor Joshua with every breath I take while raising my family.

If it weren’t for Joshua I wouldn’t have the strength I have today, nor the desire to embrace life, every single moment of life. So, with that… to the woman who told me I was a disgrace… you my dear may get bent. I am proud. I am fierce and hear me roar.

Let the New Adventures Begin.