“Tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak.” – Psalm 56:8
On December 3rd I attended a candlelight ceremony at Fort Drum, NY. A small ceremony to honor the fallen of families living in the area. It was a beautiful service, each hero had something remarkable read about them… there were light chuckles, tears and memories flooding the room.
I sat there on the second row, my escort (a young Lieutenant) to my right and Lane, my 3-year-old son to my left. I had asked my escort to sit with Lane, so I could walk up to the stage and light the candle in front of Joshua. As I was trying to light the long match, I heard the quick steps running behind me to have my little grab my hand… He looked at the heroes and said, “wow mommy, angels.” I had to do everything in my power to not lose everything I was made of at that moment. I lit the candle and walked back to our seats marveling at how Lane was taking everything in.
Prior to the service I was getting Joshua’s picture ready, printing off the best picture I have of him… DJing for his best friend’s (Matt Pratt) command ceremony in Afghanistan. The one that best depicts his personality. Lane came over to my desk, looked at the picture of Joshua and asked, “who is that mommy?” Dawning on me that he can now recognize pictures and that at some point I was going to have explain to Lane who Joshua was to me.
I sat Lane on my lap and said, “well, that’s mommy’s guardian angel and he watches over you, mommy, daddy… “I continued to list all the family members, friends, etc. He looked at me and said, “He is an angel?” I nodded my head, “wow mommy, I like angels, I like him.” I just hugged Lane and tried really hard for him to not see me cry.
I have been struggling with this since the ceremony. Over the past week I have written down feelings, thoughts and let tears fall as they needed.
I never thought at some point in my life I would have to explain who Joshua is to me to Lane. How the flag that sits in our home represents so much strength, honor and bravery. How mommy was married before daddy and had a whole life planned and how my life was forever changed. How I fell to my knees and prayed hard to get through my darkest days.
Obviously, I cannot explain this to a three-year-old right now.
So, I sat and thought about how if I hadn’t gone through what I went through, Matthew & Lane wouldn’t be in life… So, I wrote a letter to Lane.
I wrote a letter to my son who has turned my life inside out. Who has showed me how God breaks your heart to save your soul and I am fairly certain I went through heartache to see God’s face and saving grace when Lane came into this world. I wrote a letter in hopes one day when he has questions and wants to know more, there will never be a question to what him and his daddy mean to me and how I have thanked God every day for putting them in my life, but there will always be a piece of me with Joshua.
Dear Lane,
I am going to tell you about 3 amazing heroes in my life. I am going to explain to you what a hero is and why it’s so important to be a gentleman, use your manners, be good to your mama and love your country with every breath you take.
The first hero is CPT Joshua Lawrence. I met this man before your daddy… He was my husband and a soldier. Joshua was a hell of a man who loved his country, soldiers, family and most of all me. We had plans of a life, kids and a future that we had written out to a “T.” After Joshua and I got married he went overseas (Afghanistan) to fight bad guys and to protect his family and this amazing country… I could write you a book about the man that had a laugh that could be heard around the world and who had a plan for every moment in life, but I will answer questions as you need answered when the time comes… Joshua was fighting bad guys and was shot and killed on 08 October 2011 leaving a series of unanswered questions, future plans and me. Lane, my heart hurt so bad because everything around me was falling apart and the man I married was to never walk through the doors of our home ever again.
I hit a hard time in my life. You see, I hated everything and anything that was happy or good (now you know why I ask to see you smile so much). I was mad at God and people that wasn’t their fault for Joshua dying. I am telling you this because you will see his pictures, you will hear me talk about him… you will see his flag sitting proudly in our home. I want to teach you about bravery, respect and honor. How important those words are in our home and I want you to know my guardian angel.
About a year later I found a barn where a series of nickers and tears in a mane would forever change my heart and soul. I began a new relationship with God and found my heart healing. Things were starting to look up again even though I was still healing. Horses healed my soul.
Then a couple years later, my second hero walked into my life. Your daddy. Your daddy saw me at Joshua’s funeral and when my entire world and heart were broken into a million pieces. God has a funny way of bringing two people together when the time is right. Your daddy was overseas at the time and we began to talk… when he came home, I met your brother, sister, Gigi, Pop, LaLa, G-Cat and Boo and instantly fell in love with the whole family. Slowly my heart began to beat again because of your daddy. I made the decision to move to Tennessee and from there our story really begins.
Your daddy is a hero… he has fought bad guys, he saved my heart and he brought you into our world. I have never met a man that loved his country and family as deeply as him. I love your daddy with every breath I take and thank God every day that he was brought into my life.
Matthew taught me how to live and love again… because of him I was getting a second chance at life. You have an incredible man to look up to, never forget that. Your daddy will teach you what it means to treat a woman right, love God and your family, and how to honor those who gave everything to this amazing Country.
The third hero in my life is you. You have taught me what life really means. I have lost everything, got a second chance at life and love. but, you… you taught what it was to bring life into this world. You are the sunshine in my day and the joy in my soul. You have heard my heartbeat while in my belly… you know how strong I really am and can bring me to my knees with the simple, “mama I need you.” Know who your heroes are in your life, honor them and respect them. As you grow never hold your head down, never say I can’t, never limit yourself and never stop believing.
Say please and thank you. Give back, love God, be good to your mama… never, ever forget where you came from.
Be the hero of your own story little one. You have some big heroes watching over you and here on earth helping shape you into the amazing man you will be one day.
Love,
Mama
One day, Lane will understand the road I have been down and what it took to get to where I am at now. No matter how much I wanted to give up on life, looking at Lane… I thank God with everything I am that I didn’t end everything. Lane has made me look at life a little differently since that ceremony… how at such a young age he took in the heroes and just knew how to just hold my hand and be there.
I had so much guilt and depression after having Lane. Never realizing the gift and lessons he would give me today.
God knows exactly what he is doing and He is so good.
Carpe the Hell Out of Diem You Beautiful Souls.
Cowgirl Grit 