Cowgirl Grit

“America without Her soldiers, would be like God without His angels.”

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Before and after Memorial Day weekend I sat for days trying to come up with the best way to describe Memorial Day… The meaning and the way I wanted to honor Joshua; I came up with nothing. My mind went blank.  My emotions were in overdrive.

I honor Joshua every day by living, helping others in their tough moments in life and try and change the world a little at a time. But this Memorial Day was different.

Monday, May 31^st Joshua and I would have been married 10 years. It was a surreal feeling – a moment of realization that so much time had passed, but at the same time it felt like it was yesterday. 10 years of would have been married, 10 years of him not being on this earth and then… Memorial Day, a day which is already hard enough. A reminder of what we all have been through.

I sat in front of my computer with a blinking curser and could not put to words the feelings that were streaming through my heart. The feelings I wanted to share with the world.

I sat there and thought about the “what ifs.” What if life would have ended up differently?… A life that never happened. I could have gotten angry, but I couldn’t. I reminded myself that God (while it sucked majorly going through everything) had way bigger plans for me… and boy, did he ever have a plan.

With the pain and hurt, God put me on a path that opened my heart and soul to healing, faith and put amazing people in my life that have become life long friends and family. I changed my “what ifs” to “even ifs.”

“Even if” I felt this pain, “even if” my world was crumbling around me… I would survive… and I did. And I am still surviving.

So, instead of sitting and thinking about the pain and “what ifs” – let’s be honest the pain never goes away…. You just learn to grow with it. I decided let’s teach the younger generation about Memorial Day and what it means to me.

I did just that.

I took Lane to a Memorial Day Ceremony at the National Infantry Museum. We sat with other Gold Star family members, soldiers who lost brothers and sisters in war and listened to a decorated Command Sergeant Major talk of his fallen brothers and how he will continue to remember them (his speech will be forever ingrained into my heart).

We listened to TAPS and explained to him why there were tears in my eyes. Watching the American Flag fly so proudly in the wind.

Lane and I walked to the GWOT memorial where I could tell him about my guardian angel and explain the sacrifice that Joshua (along with so many others) made for this Country.

Lane touched the names on the wall, asked a million questions and wanted to know if Joshua was watching over us with Cooper Hero. I told him yes, Joshua was up there, along with so many other amazing men and women… and while it hurts my heart of what I went through, today is their day. A day to remember, honor and never forget.

This Memorial Day, I got share one of the best moments with Lane. I got to share with him how important it is to live, remember and understand we couldn’t be where we are today if wasn’t for all the amazing men and women throughout history fighting for us.

While there was sadness, laughter and some hesitation in sharing part of my story with Lane (he is only 5) … I got to share a part of history and honor to the younger generation and pray it continues throughout history. A moment to think their names will never be forgotten.

Every day is for Memorial Day for those who lost a loved one…but, this one wasn’t just about me. It was about changing the world (even if it’s just one 5 year old) and never forgetting. I will keep doing that. I will always honor and I will never stop living.

My heart could not handle the emotion that went through those few days. But, I know Joshua’s memory will never die.

“Without memory, there is no culture. Without memory there would be no civilization, no future.”

– Elie Wisel