“I remember thinking the morning after: wow, my life is different now,
my soul is different, I’m different.” 

It’s been 1,828 days, 43,872 hours and 2,632,320 minutes since I last talked to you, since I heard your voice say ‘I love you and will talk to you in a couple of days.’ Year number 5 is weird. I don’t really have the words to express the feelings that my heart and soul are feeling. The past 5 years I have been to the depths of hell and back to learn who I was (and am), however, I have to be honest this past year has been the hardest.

I have given love a second chance. I have spoken at multiple venues in honor of our fallen, written a song, clawed my way out of darkness and back into reality where my nightmares can finally turn into dreams. But, the one thing that that hit me harder than anything has been bringing life into this world – taking a second chance at building a family… having the final realization that my life has moved forward and you took your last breath and we would not be building a life and family together.

So much of you changes when you bring life into this world… you no longer focus on just you. You have this small creature that needs your attention 24/7 and if you already are not 100% back to you it can take you into the depths of darkness that are indescribable. This past year I dealt with so much guilt and grief I honestly did not think I would survive it.

I felt like I was ruining the Lawrence name by moving forward and building a new life for myself. I pulled away from everything and everyone. How could anyone think I remembered Joshua if I was having babies with another man? Am I just a horrible human being? How could his family, friends and anyone else that knew him think ‘how could she still love him?’

Then there was a moment this past month that an email showed up – it was a letter from Joshua that I had put into another folder, but for some reason was back in my inbox… it was a week before he died and we had a conversation about if something were to happen to him he wanted to be buried in Tennessee, etc. I re-read the email, he talked about if anything ever happened to him he wanted me to be happy… he wanted me to move forward and never stop loving life. The one thing that he loved about me was my heart and the yearning to help others no matter what the circumstance were. He wanted me to ride and always remember how much he loved me. Whenever I was in the saddle he said to look up and know he was looking down smiling.

Shortly after that email I had a meeting a friend to talk about grief, guilt and everything I was going through. I was going crazy. I felt like a crappy fiancé, a horrible mother and all around negative view for a “grieving widow.” I wanted to run away, I wanted to stop making everyone else’s life miserable.

My friend gave me a piece of advice that turned my entire thought process around. He said, “B, do you think God would have given you the opportunity to live life if it would dishonor Joshua? Do you think you being miserable would make Joshua happy? … You have spoken of how Joshua wanted you to be happy, how he wanted you to have a family and most of all, wanted you to live life. How can you live life if you are so worried about everyone else?”

It was like Joshua was speaking right through him to me. This year, at this moment, I stopped worrying about everything and realized I have made it pretty freaking far in life and never gave up.

While I will never understand why things happen the way they do in life… I won’t stop living. I won’t stop thriving and I most certainly will never forget. Joshua was an incredible soul; he woke up everyday with a smile on his face and made sure that he lived that day to the fullest. He was happy, he loved his brothers, soldiers, family and me. There have been moments where I avoid thinking about him because every time I do, my life crumbles all over again.

To Joshua, I ride in the saddle with a Shinerbock in hand and a smile to the heavens. Thank you for being so much to me, and being a part of my life. I appreciate the time we had together and everything you ever did for me. Thank you for living your life as you because without you I would have lost a part of my inspiration, and so would many others. Thank you for inspiring, and thank you for dreaming.

You will always be loved, and live forever in our hearts.

This isn’t goodbye, but see you later.

This is a new year and am even more excited to see what is in store. Lane has one badass guardian angel and from this moment forward I will live life likes it’s my last.

This weekend get out of your comfort zone, do something in memory of him and cheers to heaven.