“ I will never forget the moment your heart stopped and mine kept beating.”
-Angela Miller

My dear hero –

It’s been five years since I have heard your laugh or felt your kiss. I can’t believe it has been five years already. Some days it feels like yesterday – I was able to pick up my phone and tell you about my day or just hear you ramble on about some new business plan you had in mind when we would finally be living together or ideas about our future. It’s been a long road… there has been lots of darkness and then lots of happiness.

Since you have been gone I have found someone, he is pretty incredible and honors you just as much as I do – I never thought in a million years I would be with another military man – or anyone at that. I also had a son… his name is Lane (after Lane Frost), figured you would love that since you thought you were a hidden cowboy at heart.

I never thought I would make it through life without you right next to my side, but here I am living … five years later and my heart is beating once again and I am trying to make a difference in people’s lives. In the five years that you have been gone I made a lot of mistakes, did things that I know wouldn’t make you proud and drank a lot of my feelings away. I have been told I don’t honor the Lawrence name and have pushed through a lot of criticism about how I wanted to live my life since you have been gone.

However, I have had so much support from our Army family, Fraternity family and friends and family in general which helped me through my darkest days, that have shared stories about you and gave me hope that there was life to live after grief.

I want you to know the fifth year has sucked. I don’t know why this one is different than any other year, but this one has sucked. I am not sure if was the hormones after having Lane or just the final realization that you are truly gone or maybe it’s guilt from living. I am now in a point in my life where I am once again happy, I have so much ahead of me and I am scared shitless that I will wake up to a doorbell at 6am and be told that my life, once again is gone. I know I can’t live like that, but it scares me nonetheless.

It’s hard Joshua. To live life and be happy and know you’re never coming back. I hope you know while you’re watching over me that even though I am living, I have a smile on my face and that my heart is beating again… I have not forgotten you. In the evenings when I get to kiss my family good night…. I have not forgotten you … when I pick up boots, socks and other things off the floor…. I have not forgotten you.

If it weren’t for you, I would have never found who Brittany was. If it weren’t for you, I honestly would not understand what true love is. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be embracing every laugh, hug, kiss and moment with my family because I know what it’s like to have a last kiss and wake up and hear you will never have another one from that person.

With every step I am making in life and every moment I am living I have not forgotten you. Because of you I truly understand what it means to live life and never take one moment for granted. Never get angry about having to pick up socks next to the laundry basket, they could never be there again. Never get angry about a 4am cry needing mom hugs and a rocking chair… could never hold that baby ever again. Never go to bed angry and always say ‘I love you’ and mean it… could never wake up again and get to tell that person you love them.

If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here in my life thanking God for another chance at love, life and happiness.

I will forever love you and will always remember and honor you until the day I die. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for being in my life.

Continue watching over me and I hope every day I make you prouder. While the fifth year sucked… you have made me that much stronger. You are missed beyond words.

Love,
B